I just realized this, and it just hit me, and i just well, I just want to tell someone, anyone. And I can never tell people around me.
I, I have multiple personality disorder. And never been diagnosed officially because my other selves strongly hate people. Only one of me actually likes people, he is the one at the forefront when it comes to socializing and interacting with others.
He is a goofy funny kind of guy that can get along well with others. He hides everything behind smiles and laughter, thus leaving all who knows US, that we are the goofy funny guy.
But that is not true, they have only seen that side of me because it’s the side that’s easily acceptable and adored by all. Thus making him the primary one when it comes to interaction.
So now, comes to the actual confession. I, I suppose us, have just gotten an epiphany as to why we have failed so hard at relationships.
Me and my other selves are not all fighting for control and constantly going crazy and going at each other, we are very organized and maintained. We each have our roles, but even though we are all so distinct, their are many things we share in common.
Such as our rules, our philosophies of life.
One of these philosophies is that we all believe in True Love, and desire for it. (I have grown up since childhood reading books, and in all those books, there are always those with OTPS, and about people going through all this crap together, and finally really falling and being in love with each other. I have read too many and for too long that I, we, cannot believe such a possibility does not exist for us.)
So we believe in true love. And we all want to be loved.
But, I just realized a pattern to things. A pattern to me and my previous relationships.
The pattern goes as:
The one who contacts and pushes for the relationship is the one who is lovable and adored, the one who can easily let others be easy.
Once he confirms that the guy likes him, and he, we, pursue a relationship.
He slowly shifts over to the next one who would like to be loved.
The next one is usually the Girl and the Rational one, they are the most welcoming when it comes to social contact and do not mind it whatsoever. And when the guy likes interacting with them as well, we start to think, “maybe, he can love ALL of us.”
But this so called thought has always been a subconscious one, and I’ve only been recently made aware of it, (like right now, hence my need to confess this realization. I just need to tell someone.)
The next to follow after them, is me, I am the most aggressive of all the others. The others call me Bitch, and I can confirm. I am a Bitch.
But my highly aggressive nature brings conflict and disrupts the somewhat smooth flow and transition between me and the other selves.
Thus making the people I date think that deep down, I’m an actually fucking mean ass ducking piece of shit Bitch.
But, I’m not. I too want to be loved, but we all exist for a reason.
I am a step that is NEEDED to pass by if we all want to truly be in love. If the guy can handle all my shit and all my crap, that I honestly don’t mean, then, doesn’t that mean he actually loves me?
Think of it as a dangerous climb that needs to be climbed in order to reach the actual depths of my/our heart.
But, no one has made it past. I’m too much for them I suppose. I’m much too much.
I just realized why we/I cannot find love. We ALL want to be loved, but if he cannot truly love ALL of us, then we can never truly love them.
I just realized this, wow, I’m so. I’m so shocked.
They always like the Silly one.
He’s the most agreeable and lovable, the nicest. The sweetest.
They find Rational and Girl interesting.
Rational is curious and asks nothing but questions. How he loves is to analyze and understand everything. He is forever curious and wants to understand, understand everything about someone who interests him. And this questioning and curiousness sparks conversation. Which sparks interest than affection.
Girl is sensitive and excitable. She loves love and is the nicest of us all. She is not as funny or goofy as Silly. But she is sweet, and such an entertaining one to watch. She is the shyest, and can only ever speak up when she is talking about her favorite hobbies. She, fangirls, hardcore. And based on interactions, people find her a bit hilarious, though, maybe she is funnier than Silly Hahahaha.
Then next is me, Bitch. I’m the first of the antisocial ones, we dislike people. Thus makes it hard for us to enjoy contact with others. But when the others love, we too feel that love, so we attempt in our own way to express it.
I, am aggressive. Think tsundere in anime. I’ve been called that before, Girl calls me that. Though I scoff at the notion. She calls me an “Ojou-sama”. Though, now that I’m thinking about it, someone has gotten past me before. But they could never get past the next one.
The next one is probably the most difficult. Though I am confrontational and aggressive, I at least do not mind social contact. I just push away those who can be pushed. And those who persist are able to stay.
The next one is Cold, he is cold and indifferent. He does nothing nor cares for nothing, but like all of us, he too wants love. But since he is so cold, he doesn’t know how to express it, and wishes for the other to persist, and if they could somehow melt his cold heart, than that is when we can all truly say. “I love you.”
But he is too cold. No ones made it past him, at least, no ones tried. His reason for existence within us is an essential one. There are times when one can only be indifferent to survive. He has the most perseverance and can endure almost anything. He endures the pain and suffering and all the things that we cannot. He does it all with a calm and indifferent gaze.
But this gaze also wants to be loved. He wants to be loved the most out of us, someone who can thaw his frozen heart.
(Just so you all know and don’t be so confused. And I’m thinking this might be a question. “Why doesn’t the guy leave or go away when he sees all these different and sudden changes in you? You seem like a piece of work.”
Well to answer this question. Though I’ve mentioned earlier that Silly is the one who does most of the talking when we first meet a guy. He isn’t the only one. We freely switch in and out when the time and situation calls for it. And are very flexible, and do it so fast that it seems natural. So we give the guy we are interested in bits of us here and there even though most of the time it is Silly. We do it so we can take in his reaction to the difference of our temperaments. And slowly over time, we increase the frequency of our appearances, while Silly goes more into the back. And the most antisocial ones go to the front. And so it switches around. It’ll be MOST OF US, and less of Silly.)